Pushing the clouds away

A beautiful, sunny, chilly day here in Jersey City. A day for taking a bike ride or a stroll. I know there must be things going on in this big little town of ours but I haven't quite figured out where to find them yet. Evenings and weekends have better odds...I suppose most people are working at this time. But aren't any of them working in art galleries or anything? I think part of the difficulty is that I don't quite know what I'm looking for.

Plus I want my adventure-mate with me. And really I don't mind being solo at home, as not-cool as that probably seems. Today I will plan a real meal, shop for it, and cook it while music plays. And I'll be so happy to do it.

There are two couchsurfers from Czech Republic here with us. They go out and explore all day so we've only had a bit of time to spend with each other. That's ok though. I've needed to stay local to continue my job search, and they seem to want to explore on their own, and I'm more exciting on weekends anyway. We have two more sets of couchsurfers coming up in the next month, one pair seems to be looking forward to spending time cooking and hanging out in our home a little with us. That'll be nice, and we'll talk about Denver, and life will be good. Because life is good, and it's important to remember that once in a while.

And then there was a new day

Sometimes it takes a while to really kick something into gear. Or you start something and then you put it aside, knowing it will be there when you need it again. It's the reason I always give books to kids at Christmas and why I gave my teenage cousin a nice journal for her birthday. Even if she tossed it on her closet floor, it's there for her, ready to be close to her heart if she needs it.

So here I am in a new state meandering into a new phase of life, that is if you see life as a series of phases instead of a constant flow. I go back and forth...ebb, if you will.

I'm a full-time job-seeker these days, spending the late morning and early afternoon hours doing what can be done to find a meaningful place of employment. It's been a little while now, a while filled with resumes and cover letters and cold calls and drop-ins. Today I'm a little stuck...I can't presently call any of the organizations to which I have sent a cover letter or job-inquiry because I have contacted all of them within the past three days. There's a fine line between persistent and annoying; though I feel as though I really don't have much to lose, I don't mind trying to find that line. But GOD. Employ me already.

Not that I'm really starting to feel bad or anxious about being in this position. I get a little worried about money as my stash of it dwindles down and I become more and more dependent on my ridiculously wonderful partner-in-crime. But, however, nevertheless, I push forward knowing that this too shall end and that I am not to blame for this predicament. I'm trying and really searching for something meaningful.

Because we spend so much time working, being occupied with something, putting our energy into things. You know that. My meticulous tea-drinking time now is time well spent because I am putting my heart into this process. I'll get somewhere.

Searching for yourself

Searching for yourself isn't so hard if you consider the journey the destination. Right now there's a mental block up somewhere in my noggin keeping me from extending past the barriers and falling off some snowy cliff into wandering thought. This is keeping me from freaking out (about nothing) but it's weird to feel as though my mind means to go somewhere further than it's going but isn't able to. Hard to describe.

I've got to *do* without judgement which I think is probably a little easier to do when you know what you're doing. At the moment I feel as though I am in break-out phase. But breaking out of what? And into what? At least one of these questions should be touched upon in order to give me some semblance of direction. Otherwise what am I doing? Bursting in and back briefly like a solar flare. Electrons in close orbit. Where do I want to go? How far do I extend?

It's the format I like best

Self-indulgent, yes. A little mainstream, well who isn't. A certain spin and style is added to words that have the possibility of being viewed by others. So here I am. Again.

Not sure exactly what to do or where to go from here. I've been feeling stuck inside my own head lately; there's so much that I want to dooooo but I can't seem to force it through my pores and materialize it. I need something to push me out of me, I need a forum or an excuse to start the things I want to start so that I don't just sit here thinking of things I want to do instead of doing them. That's too easy a loop to get stuck in. I ain't havin' none of that.

(Self-judging statements like that are the first step to combating apathy...make yourself a teensy bit disgusted with yourself and maybe you'll get on the road to changing your life a bit sooner than you would otherwise.)

I need an ambition to work towards, some sort of larger goal that requires daily goals more challenging than "do laundry" or "sort recyclables." Not that those aren't important. ...and I need to acknowledge and make real my hobbies and interests, ask myself what I like to do and take the time to really listen to my answer. I need to discover what makes me me, because I think that sometimes I get lost inside here. Here being my head or my heart or my soul or just literally here, wherever here may be.

This is a step in a direction, though whether it is right is left to be seen.